Today has been one of the best days I have had in a long time. I feel like I am becoming comfortable and finding out my place. I know it is only day two but it has been amazing. Just … Continue reading →
So today I moved into my first ever college dorm. I am officially living on the hallowed grounds of the University of Tennessee, and I couldn’t feel more blessed or excited. There is such a great sense of opportunity over every inch of this place. As I walk around the campus, I slowly draw a map in my head of where everything is, and I am filled with utter giddiness. This is the day I have waited and prepared for for 18 years, The day I leave my home and begin my path as a Man of God.
Guys, I just want to encourage you to praise His name. Praise the Lord, because He has provided and blessed this path. The Lord’s command to go and care for His people that He spoke to me is going to be tested and manifested here for the next four years. I literally could not explain how excited I am to just be His. There may be great opportunity for great failure, but it just shows that there is even GREATER opportunity for blessings and ground gaining for His kingdom.
Please pray for me as this new season begins. I can already feel it will be a sleepless one so please pray for rest and peace as I grow and serve. Pray for stability and community for me so that I remain fervent and focused in the faith. To everyone reading this, I love you dearly. I am filled with so much love and I want to share that with you. You are loved and cared for and blessed, so go and bless. I know you can do this. I believe in you. 🙂
Well this seems to sum up my current state of mind. I am numb to any semblance of conviction or guilt or compassion or love; I only desire the fulfillment of my fleshly desires. On top of that, last night I just got tired of holding back. I let go of any godly nature and just moved forward in the pursuit of my desires. Can you imagine where it led me?I don’t care about investing time today or trying to spend time with the Lord. I am totally unsatisfied. I would even say I’m bitter and angry and hurt and frustrated and tired and lonely and desperate and weak and hopeless and broken.
I need you Lord. I need your love. I need your compassion. I need your self-control. I need your joy.
I NEED YOUR GRACE.
Tonight, I would not like to share any bits of wisdom. I just want to be honest and ask for prayer. I need prayer. Specifically, to just feel the Lord’s love, grace, and compassion. I need a spark of desire for His word and His will again. I need accountability and community. I need Him and I need you. I am very thankful for all who are currently reading. I know you can do this. I believe in you.
“I am warning you ahead of time, dear friend. Be on guard so that you will not be carried away by the errors of these wicked people and lose your own secure footing. Rather, you must grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. All glory to him, both now and forever! Amen.” -2 Peter 3:17,18
“As a dog returns to its vomit so a fool repeats his foolishness” Proverbs 26:11
Today, I am a fool repeating my foolishness. I imagine most people who have ever dealt with porn addiction and have attempted to walk away from it would understand what I’m about to discuss. After you masturbate, you feel sleepy. Its like my own personal Tylenol PM. Tonight as I got off my computer I thought, ” I want to watch porn and go to bed.” And, do you know what I did?
So let’s pretend this is Dora for a moment. “Can you tell me where I messed up?”………I’ll give you a moment to answer……………. If you said the moment I said I want to watch porn then you are CORRECT! Today I not only neglected time with God, but I also freely walked into a very familiar sin cycle. I realized my desires and outright sought for them to be fulfilled. Then after committing the act, I knew what I had done was wrong. So then I came on here to confess and offer some form of wisdom for all of you who share my struggles or just have struggle of your own totally different.
Tonight I do not wish to offer any clever wisdom. Instead, I want to say some clear truth. Turn from your sin, ask for forgiveness, and repent of your sin. That’s all. And, when you encounter a moment when you know you are about to do something wrong you just have to say no. So many of my problems would have been avoided if I would’ve humbled myself and said no. YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO SAY NO, TO WALK AWAY, AND BE FILLED WITH JOY AND SATISFACTION. HIS WAY IS ALWAYS BETTER. I know you can do this. I believe in you.
Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” James 1:14,15
I am heavily weighted as I write this down. I am pained by my sin as it sits and poisons, because I haven’t brought it to the Lord. I was going to sit down and spend time with Him this morning. Instead, I decided to gawk at Lady Gaga “ArtPop” updates on Tumblr. Its ridiculous. I came to a revelation the other day that I would like to share before I begin. Do not sacrifice your heart and attention to the gods of now in hopes that tomorrow will come sooner, but instead invest time with the Lord now so that each moment would not be wasted. Now lets talk about where I’m at right now.
I am weighted, because of my actions from last night. I wrote that long blog about coming clean and living a redeemed life and then what did I do? I got on Omegle and met a guy and started flirting with him and then one thing lead to another and we’re jerking off on Skype. Its ridiculous. I allowed myself to be seduced by my desires. They lied to me saying that I could flirt with the line and fill those desires and yet not outright betray the Lord. It was a lie. Just like the scripture says, “These desires give birth to sinful actions.”
For some reason no matter how many times I learn this lesson, it never sticks. Guys, motives are IMPORTANT! The Lord says where your heart is there your treasure will also be. If your motives are about satisfying fleshly desires, whether good or bad, they will lead you to sin and death. That is the truth. You have to set your heart on the Lord and be satisfied in what He has for you. If not you are going to get yourself hurt. Do you know how tired I am of having to face myself after a night of sin? I literally wake up and can’t stand to face the Lord. I bully myself up and say that I hate myself. It SUCKS!
So if there is anything that you can get out of this it is just to be honest. Be intentional about everything you do and examine yourself. Ask yourself, “What am I doing this for? Will this strengthen the Lord’s kingdom or will this strengthen sin’s hold on me?” And if it isn’t for the Lord do NOT glorify yourself for solving the puzzle. Praise God for revealing to you your intentions and then WALK AWAY. Don’t just hear, but also do. You can do it. I believe in you.
Well, where do I start with all of this? My name is Brody and in the 8th grade I came out as gay. I thought it was the answer to all of my problems. I figured it was the reason why I wasn’t confident in who I was, and the answer to what my identity actually was. Unfortunately it was a lie. My identity was never meant to be in anything of the world. It was meant to be established in Christ alone and it took me until the summer of ’11 to realize this. Since then, most would tell you I have been a strong Christian breaking down lies about identity and homosexuality. Though this is partially true, there are secrets I have kept.
The secrets that I have been keeping for the past two years are the reason I am starting this blog. I am so tired of hiding and feeling like I can’t truly confide in anyone. I don’t want to put my struggles in a box and tell everyone that I am fine. I am NOT FINE. I am not ok. I am weak. I am broken. I am in need of prayer and redemption EVERYDAY. So here goes nothing. Revealing all the stupid shit I have done and hidden will now be revealed.
So where does it all start? I have watched porn on literally every electronic device I have ever received and I have also talked to literally hundreds of different guys on the internet. I have jerked off with guys online. I have spent the night at another guys house to receive pleasure. I have fantasized about relationships with my own guy friends and have even seen some illegal porn on instagram. I have used instagram, vine, stickam, google, bing, youtube, tumblr, and many other sites to get to pornography. I even watched porn while working at a church camp. Not to mention I have countlessly talked about my supposed friends behind their backs over and over again.
I doubt you could find a portion of my life that has not been tainted by some disgusting twisted nasty form of sin. My flesh is so weak and I am a total wimp. I have no dignity nor integrity. The Lord has blessed me with so many gifts and I have thrown many of them into shame because I wanted to be pleasured. If there is anyone who deserves to burn in hell for eternity it is me.
Here is the beauty though, I don’t have to burn in hell. I don’t deserve to anymore. Why, because Christ DIED for me. He stood before the Father in court when I was on trial and said “Dad! Dad! I want to take the blame. I love this one so dearly. Please do not let him take this punishment and be ripped from you. I will die in his place so that he can be with you.” And you know what? He did that for all of us. For each one of you that may be reading this, this is something you NEED to know. Christ pleads before the Father for you. You just need to accept His forgiveness and redemption and honey you are FREE.
I know you may be questioning this freedom seeing how I have totally fucked up in everyway since I became a Christian two years ago, but that’s something I need to be honest about. Your flesh will not want to do the right thing. It will not want to be holy and righteous before the Lord. You will mess up and screw up, but He will continue to redeem you and pick you up. Just pursue Him and He will continue to carry you through. You are never defeated. You are free.